Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for many Mothers – those who have lost their child or grandchild to overdose. Those who have their teen or adult child living in the depths of their addiction.  That every day pain that never goes away.

The love of a Mother knows no bounds. When everyone has given up, Moms are often in that battle alone.

One thing Mother’s Day most certainly is, is an emotional day for everyone who is a Mom, has stepped up to be the Mom, is a Grandmother or aunt who stepped up to fill the Mom roll,  is a son or daughter who grieves for the Mom who has passed away or the son or daughter whose Mom simply walked away one day and never returned.

True love is never negotiable – it is there – it isn’t something you can turn on or off.  A Mother’s love is something we can’t explain.  That love, that bond, that powerful force.  I can’t imagine anything more powerful.

To all of you Moms or Moms by choice, you are an inspiration.  You are a strong and powerful force.  You are loved filled.  There is no one, nothing more powerful than you.  You are the definition of strength and love.

Yes you have those times of utter frustration.  Those times when you have to step away for awhile. Those times when we feel we just have to throw our hands in the air and say “I’m done”.  Those times when we find ourselves rolled up in a ball, in tears.

But that bond.  That unbreakable tie that binds us to those we love – oh it stretches sometimes, but it never breaks.

I hope that you have been able to have a peaceful day today.  That you heard from those you love.  That you remembered the one you lost with gentle memories of the person they truly were inside.  They were not their addiction.  And a Mom knows that.

I hope your day was one that brought you some joy.  Some contentment.  Some peace. Memories that made you smile.

Happy Mother’s Day to Moms everywhere. 

Below you will find a poem sent by Frances Kenny of the support group Parents Forever.  Take care and remember to be kind to yourself.

Much love,

June

I See You ❤️

* I see you running your child to AA and NA meetings when your friends are running their kids to jobs or college placement testing.

* I see you slipping out of the conversation when your friends are all chiming in about milestones and college acceptance letters.

* I see you constantly juggling out-patient meetings and court dates.

* I see you sitting at your computer for hours desperately researching addiction and treatment options.

* I see you cringe when people whine about what feels like petty things.

* I see you debating whether you should pull out of your retirement *again* to pay for another round of treatment.

* I see you spread thin but still going the extra mile for your other family members because the guilt eats at you that they get so little of your attention.

* I see you yet again not taking a much needed vacation for fear of what might happen while you’re gone.

* I see you digging for depths of strength you never dreamed you had.

* I see you showing appreciation to the judges, therapists and medical professionals who serve your child with compassion and understanding.

* I see you rising early in the morning to do it all again after another chaotic night.

* I see you when you’re hanging on to the end of your rope for dear life.

I know you feel invisible, like nobody notices any of it. But I want you to know I notice you.

* I see you relentlessly pushing onward. I see you keep choosing to do everything in your power to give your child the best possible care.

What you’re doing matters. It’s worth it.

On those days when you wonder if you can do it another minute, I want you to know I see you. I want you to know you’re beautiful. I want you to know it’s worth it. I want you to know you aren’t alone. I want you to know love is what matters most, and you have that nailed.

And on those days when you have breakthroughs, those times when the hard work pays off and success is yours to cherish, I see you then too, and I am proud of you.

Whichever day today is, you’re worthy, you’re good and I see you. ❤

Adapted by Monica W. from an Alethea Mahar poem

“DON’T ISOLATE YOURSELF IN YOUR WORRIES”

An Interview with June Ariano-Jakes, author of Addiction –A Mother’s Story.

By Isabella Mori – Coordinator – Vancouver Coastal Health – Family Connections

Ms. Ariano-Jakes shared some of her own life experience before moderating the panel at the end of a conference. The following is a post-conference interview with her.

What did you find useful about this particular conference?

Conferences such as the 2019 Family Conference on Mental Health and Substance Use are particularly valuable to families in providing updated information that many may not be aware of. It also provided a chance to ask questions and feel heard. Those in attendance are able to ask questions in a “safe” setting where there is no feeling of judgment or stigma.

When professionals set aside time for conferences, it is because they truly have a vested interest. You do not go into this field of work unless you truly care about people – the patient or client.

Often times the people most in need, are fighting any available help or support all the way. This career choice may look like a thankless job, but when you hear the professionals speaking, as family members you realize they are looking out for your loved one. As a family, you are not in this alone.

At times during the conference, you could sense that some people felt we are not making progress. This conference in particular allowed the sharing of information showing just how far we have come, in just the last five years for example.

There has been a phenomenal shift in thinking – in how the public views mental health conditions and addictions. More and more people are speaking out. Many more people are discussing addictions and mental health within their family unit.

As a society we are taking addiction and mental illness “out of the closet” in a sense – people no longer feel it is “the dirty little secret” that even just a year or two ago was common.

This conference provided information on harm reduction, and the importance of trust between the doctor and the patient, which is crucial.

I understand families want to know what is happening. I get that. As a family, no one besides the patient receiving care has more at stake in their treatment. However, what is more important – getting the information about our loved ones care and treatment or allowing that loved one to feel safe in knowing that their discussions are between the doctor and themselves and is privileged. Failure to understand that puts those needing help most at risk.

They have to know that their right to privacy is respected. Failure to provide that “privacy safety” could mean the difference between someone accessing help or refusing it.

The discussions and talks during the conference validated that. At the same time it allowed the family members a safe place to voice their frustration with that while learning why it is so vitally important.

As someone who frequently interacts with people with severe substance use/mental health issues, what is one little thing that an individual/supporter can do for them? What do they need most from the system?

My answer is in the form of a story ….

A couple of years ago while working in the Whalley area of King George Blvd and 108thAve, while doing outreach – I heard about a woman that had recently be released from the penitentiary. I didn’t know her when she lived in that area years ago, so I only “knew” what I was hearing.

That she was mean, aggressive, a bully, eager to fight, etc.

One day I saw her sitting on that corner leaning against the building with her backpack and contents spread out in front of her.

I put a few personal care items in a bag and walked across the street to offer them to her. This was our discussion:

“Hi, how’s it going”?

“Fuck off”.

“Oh that good eh”?

“I hate you church ladies, always wanting to save the junkies”.

“Oh I’m no church lady and I definitely can’t save anyone. I just wondered if you could use a few items”.

“Fuck off”.

“Okay, well you take care”.

The next day I saw her sitting in that same basic spot so I thought I would give it another try.

I walked over and said, “Hey, how you doing today”?

“I told you to stay the fuck away from me”.

“Okay, well, you’re a phony”.

“Fuck off.  You don’t know nothing about me. You don’t know who I am or what I’ve been through”.

“You’re right I don’t. But what I do know is that you’re a phony”.

She got up, walked right up to me and said, “Yeah, well Fuck you”.And I left.

Now the next day I saw her sitting in the exact same place. I knew she was waiting for me. I knew she had a question for me. Otherwise, she would have picked a different place to sit.

You know it was one of those times when you think to yourself, “I’m making progress. We are communicating”.

Anyways, I proceeded to walk across the street and as soon as I reached the other side, she stood up, angry and said, “Yesterday you called me a phony. Why would you do that? You don’t know nothing about me”.

And I said, “You are right. I don’t know anything about you. Except that you’re a phony”.

“Fuck-you”.“

“No, please let me explain. The other day I watched as a little boy and his mother walked by you on the street. The little guy fell and he started crying. I saw you reach into your backpack and hand him a little stuffy. And he stopped crying.

“Now I know that everything and anything of any value to you is in that backpack. And so I know that stuffy was important to you. And yet when you saw that little guy crying, you gave it to him.

“You see, I think you are a really good person. I think you are kind and thoughtful and I think that ‘mean girl’ persona you flash about is your armor.

“If you can keep people away from you, they can’t hurt you. So you wear this hard-core armor and it keeps people away.

I think you are a really kind person”.

“Yeah – well if you ever tell anyone that I will kick your fucking ass”.

I did the zip across the lips thing and in time we became really good friends. She would eventually allow me to cut the ‘rats nest’ out of her hair.  She asked me to dye her hair purple and another time blue. I carried nail polish with me and when I would see her sitting on the sidewalk, I would paint her nails and then she would paint mine.

You see everyone in her life who should have protected her let her down. From the time she was a young child. She was used, neglected, abused. And eventually she learned that if she didn’t let people in, they could hurt her.

She wore that tough armor and it worked. No one wanted to be around her.

But she let me in. She made a comment once, “Everyone I ever trusted fucked me over”. I don’t trust no one except June. Her I trust. I’m a mess, but she always listens to me. She understands me, and she always gives me a hug and tells me she loves me, and I know she does”.

The reason I wanted to share that story is because often times those people who work so hard to push you away, it is only because they have been repeatedly hurt by people that should not have hurt them. It is much more safe –to keep people away than risk letting them in and getting hurt.

And sadly that is exactly what so many people struggling do. Those needing love the most, are often the ones who appear most unlovable. It is crucial to make inroads. But you have to carefully judge the situation.

To all the Moms who make our world a better place, a safer place, a more understanding place, I hope you have a peaceful day and a day that brings you some comfort.

I want to say Happy Mother’s Day, but I know not everyone will have a happy day.

You may not see or hear from your child.  You may have tragically lost your child to overdose, suicide, illness or accident.  Your child man be hospitalized or incarcerated. Today may feel more like a day of grief for you.

So I wish you a peaceful day.  A day that hopefully brings you some comfort.  A day when the memories that flash through your mind include many happy ones.  Those are the memories, not illness, not disease, not incarceration, not loss, can ever take away.

When our children are struggling with addiction and/or mental illness, Moms often don’t get the support they need.  The support they deserve.  And often when Moms are trying to be strong for their families, for their loved one struggling, society can sometimes be cruel and judgemental.  As if you have done something wrong.

In fact, Moms are often the one doing everything right.  When we Moms are speaking out and standing up, rallying support and awareness to end the stigma and shame often going hand in hand with addiction and mental illness, diseases and conditions that affect clear  thinking and behaviors – we are doing what is right.

As I recently posted on my twitter feed @AddictionAMS “Mothers everywhere are the unsung heroes in both the prison system and for those struggling with addiction both on the inside and the outside and suffering because of that horrific disease of addiction – we give our loved ones hope when they feel where is no hope.

“Many other’s eventually and understandably throw up their hands and give up but mothers don’t.  When we became mothers, motherhood did not mean ‘for the good times’.  It meant for ‘all the time’.  There is no limit on the love we have for our children, on the belief we have in our children. We don’t give up.

‘There is nothing stronger than a mother’s love. As mother’s we have to continue standing up and speaking out to promote harm reduction, healthy change, ending the stigma and providing hope when often all hope has been lost’.

And to all those women, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, foster care Moms, parents who have adopted –  women who have stepped up when for whatever reason birth Mom was unable to care for their child – you too deserve that biggest Mother’s Day support imaginable because you stepped up when the need was greatest.

So this Mother’s Day, I hope you  all find time to rest.  To take care of yourself.  Often time, taking care of ourselves feels like a luxury instead of a necessity.  We are so focused on taking care of our loved one that we forget ourselves in that mix.  Remember you count too.

Wishing you a peaceful day. A day of gentle reflection. A day I hope that all those you love, will remember you.  And when that isn’t our reality – to fully enjoy and embrace those who do remember.  Those who do show their love and support. Those who are always there for you.  That is a gift to truly embrace and appreciate.

Please keep in touch, I truly appreciate when you take the time to update me.  You are all in my thoughts.  I truly care.

This past week I was privileged to be a guest on Talk Recovery Radio 100.5 Vancouver.  I hope you will take the time to listen to that interview.  It was streamed live on Talk Recovery’s Facebook as well as available on their podcast.

https://player.fm/series/talk-recovery-radio/june-ariano-jakes-author-of-addiction-a-mothers-story

As well,  I have now finished the Third Edition of Addiction: A Mother’s Story.  If you previously read the first or second editions of Addiction: A Mother’s Story you will find a third of the content repeated.  A third revised content and a third completely new content, with a focus on harm reduction.

Below you will find Chapter 66 of the Third Edition – I feel it falls in line with some of the discussion I shared on Talk Recovery Radio  – We Must Embrace Harm Reduction – Time to Stop Incarcerating Sick People And Treat Them With Medically Sound Intervention

I am sure that every one of you who has a loved one struggling with drug addiction and the resulting criminal activities will feel as passionately as I do about this subject.

Do we, as a society, keep doing what we have always done, or do we stop that revolving door and admit that what we have been doing is not working? It is not working now. It never worked in the past. And it won’t work in the future.

Our prisons, worldwide, are overflowing with people whose crimes are related to their drug addiction. Most of those people likely made that first moral choice to try potentially addictive drugs in their teen years or early twenties. And I believe it would be fairly safe to say that none of those who experimented with drugs ever expected to become addicted. Never expected to be that person who would lose everything.

Those are the years when every generation tends to take the biggest risks. In the case of drugs, not any one of our loved ones ever expected to become addicted to the drugs they were experimenting with. It was just supposed to be fun. It was just supposed to be a party.

And for some, it was just a party.

As I have previously said, it wasn’t that they were stronger or more determined. It wasn’t that they had willpower and our child didn’t. It wasn’t because they were born into a certain family or attended a certain school or lived in a certain area. None of that matters. It was simply because they did not have the disease of addiction, and our child did.

Many people will argue that it is a moral choice, not a disease. As you know by now, my feeling about addiction is that the very first time our loved one took a potentially addictive drug, they made a moral choice. They crossed that line. But once addiction raises its ugly head, it is a disease, albeit a disease with a choice. At any time, an addict can stop using their drug of choice, and the disease halts. They will always have that propensity, but they will have stopped their addiction in its tracks. Sounds simple enough.

Well, if it were that simple, we would not have hundreds of millions of people struggling with addictions so severe that they lose everything in life they love. Everything and everyone they care about for that next fix or that next drink.

Addiction is a disease, and as a society, we have to stop treating addicted people with punishment. Worldwide, countries are building more and bigger prisons to house all those people who have committed crimes to feed their addiction.

Now don’t get me wrong, I too believe that people should have to pay for crimes they commit. I am not saying they should not be held accountable. I am only saying that incarceration is not the long-term answer.

Instead of building more and bigger prisons, why are we not turning those resources around and providing places of help for those struggling with addiction.

We will never “punish” our way out of a health crisis. And that is exactly what addiction is. It is a health crisis of monumental proportions. Punishing very sick people for being sick makes about as much sense as spanking a child for hitting their sibling and then telling them “don’t hit.”

If nothing changes, nothing changes. It is as simple as that.

The average cost to incarcerate one person is $115,000 per year. I say the average cost because minimum-security prisons would be less, maximum- security prisons would be more.

What if our governments got smart and admitted what they clearly know: that the status quo is not working?

On average, 90% of imprisoned people are for one reason or another there for drug- or alcohol-related crimes—possession, robberies to support a drug habit, car thefts, home invasions, assaults, spousal abuse, prostitution to support a drug habit, DUIs, vehicular homicide while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, fraud, identity theft, credit-card theft, shoplifting. The list goes on and on. But the common denominator is that 90% of the imprisoned population is in for substance-abuse-related offences, and 70% of them are battling severe addictions.

We need places of help. We need places of hope. Punishing sick people for committing crime, without addressing the root cause does absolutely nothing to address their disease. If we help those struggling with their addiction, they won’t have that need to turn to criminal activity. The revolving door of the criminal justice system must end for those battling addiction.

From my many years of experience in the field of drug addiction, both with Nathan’s devastating addiction and with the work I do with those battling addictions, homelessness and mental illness, on the street, I have come to realize there are only two reasons people use drugs. Curiosity and pain.

People are naturally curious and that may well be what first brought your loved one to try an illegal substance. It may be as simple as that. And that curiosity led them down a path they could never had imagined in their worst nightmare and neither could you.

The second reason and this is more complex, is pain. I say this is more complex because we have many different types of pain. It may be physical pain. Like my son initially prescribed opiates because of a motor vehicle accident. And as he told me years later, “I loved the feeling I got from that medication”. It could be pain from a skiing or sports injury. A ruptured disc from lifting something the wrong way. Something that caused extreme physical pain and needed to be treated with an opiate.

Now I am not saying that everyone who takes an opiate loves it because that is not the case. When I had surgery and was given morphine, I hated the feeling and told the nurse I didn’t want it again. Clearly my physiology is different than Nathan’s. It left me very uncomfortable. It left him initially feeling relaxed, peaceful and warm. And that is the difference being someone with the disease of addiction and another without that disease.

It may be emotional pain, perhaps a sexual assault, maybe domestic violence, the death of a loved one, continuous bullying, seeing a traumatic event. Perhaps PTSD. An emotional pain that leaves you feeling broken or isolated and you found that taking that medication left over in the medicine cabinet when you got your wisdom teeth out, helped. You forgot for a while with its lulling affect. So many people are suffering in silence and we may not even be aware of it.

When addiction takes control of your life, and it does take control, it leaves the person addicted feeling helpless and hopeless. I will repeat it again, look into the eyes of someone struggling so severely with addiction and you will see sadness, pain, hurt and hopelessness.

Repeating the comment Nathan once said to me, after many years in his addiction, “I used to have hope, Mom, but I don’t anymore. I used to believe that things would change, but I don’t believe they will. I accept this is my life. I want it to be different. I just don’t know how to do that anymore”.

They are stuck.   We have to offer every bit of help we can. And help is there. But we need to make it readily and easily available. People struggling cannot go through hoop after hoop. They will give up. We have to meet people where they are at and provide them with the best possible treatment option, individualized care that works for them. Addiction treatment is not a “one size fits all” disease any more than any other chronic or potentially terminal disease is. An individual care plan must be established for people to achieve the best and safest results for themselves.

It is stunning to note that 80% of people struggling with the disease of addiction are not receiving treatment. That is staggering. We are failing people by keeping them isolated, stigmatized and living in shame.

We have to improve a person’s chance of success by normalizing their treatment. And what may be effective treatment for one person will not be effective for another.

Abstinence alone, when dealing with opioid use disorder rarely work long term. Statics are not in their favour. But we have medications available that have proven highly effective treating addiction. Highly effective. Science, not emotions should guide decisions around addiction and harm reduction. We need a continuum of care with evidence based, immediate access to treatment.

We have to make it easier for people struggling to access effective medication. Every doctor should be able and willing to prescribe it and  all pharmacies should have it available to fill those prescriptions. Not just in larger communities but in every community in every town and city everywhere. Because this issue is everywhere. Methadone, Methadose and buprenorphine (Suboxone) are highly effective in the treatment of opioid addiction. I see first hand how it gives those we love their lives back. These are life saving medications.

Far to many people take the attitude that you are just exchanging one drug for another. Or that you should be weaned off it as quickly as possible.

I disagree completely. And so does medical science. The facts are evident. These highly effective medications can stabilize the life of a very sick person. We would never stigmatized a diabetic for taking insulin or a person with arthritis taking anti-inflamatories, or someone with high blood pressure taking medication. Those are all chronic diseases. Then why do we treat those battling the disease of addiction with any less awareness, understanding or compassion. If taking a medication every day to stay healthy is wrong or a sign of weakness, then we are all wrong and we are all weak. Addiction is a disease that no one ever thought they would get. Absolutely no one. But they did. They made a decision at one point in their life and that decision gave birth to the disease of addiction in their life.

By the time a loved one struggling with addiction is ready for help, they may have been through considerable trauma. As I have said before, those people in the illegal drug trade are ruthless.

They may be struggling with the underlying causes as to their initial drug use. We have to, as a society, do everything we can to offer support, counseling, and understanding. This is not a quick fix. And we should not expect it to be. But help is available and should be much more easily assessable.

And what about those individuals that have tried everything available. They have gone through detox. They have gone to treatment facilities. They have been on Methadone and Methadose and Suboxone. But they cannot get on top of their addiction. That grip just will not let them go. Do we forget about them?

Absolutely not. And this is where we have to embrace other means of harm reduction. As I have previously said, this is not a “one size treatment fits all” disease. We have to think outside the box. It may not be popular. It may not be what many want to see happen. But it saves lives for those people who would otherwise never get a handle on their addiction. Specialized clinics that provide prescription heroin or hydro-morphine injections daily. Where a person struggling goes in a few times a day for their medication. They are no longer using toxic illegal drugs sold on the street. They are not overdosing. Crime goes down. They are seen thoughout the day by a nurse and they are able to stabilize their health and stabilize their life. And that is a very good thing. Like I said, many in society will not consider this a popular treatment but it is not them that is struggling every day just to make it through the day. We have to keep our minds open to effective possibilities. Popular or not. For some, this is the only option they have left. And for them it works.

Drug addiction is a chronic and deadly disease. If we keep incarcerating sick people, keep punishing them, without giving them the help and medical intervention they desperately need then the cycle continues. But if we offer treatment then we give each of those people the opportunity to break the chains of addiction holding them hostage.

Everyone wins every time a person struggling with the disease of addiction gets help. We then have another responsible adult in our community—contributing in a healthy manner.

Crime would go down astronomically. The costs of health care, emergency personnel, police, the courts, and all the other services related to substance abuse would decrease if members of our addicted population received the proper treatment.

Addiction is a disease. The status quo doesn’t work. It is time to rewrite some of our laws. Every day that we delay, more very sick people continue in the revolving door. And sadly, many die while our governments world wide are building more prisons.

We will always deal with the naysayers who believe we should simply lock up addicts and throw away the key. And that is absolutely ridiculous. Too often, though, people have stayed silent when their voices could have made a difference. We can’t stay silent any longer. The lives of our sons and daughters are depending on us. We need to speak up and let our politicians know that it’s time to see addiction for what it is: a disease that has far too many of our loved ones in its grip.

Until next time – take care of yourselves – talking care of yourself cannot be seen as a luxury – it is a necessity – remember in all the kayos of addiction, you count.  Be kind to yourselves.

Much love,

June

So often those of true heartbreak survive simply by putting on a brave face and sending that message out to the world “I’m strong.  I’m okay. I am handling this. Things are fine.” And while we learn to do that simply as a survival technique and because sadly we may be the only one pulling on that end of the tug-of-war rope trying to rescue our loved one, inside we feel broken.

I call that “smiling on the outside, crying on the inside”.  I think as parents with loved ones addicted we can all relate to that.

This is something we have learned to do. Perhaps you grew up in a home where there was domestic violence. Perhaps you yourself grew up in a home where alcohol or drugs were an issue. You learned at a young age to put on “a brave face” for the outside world.

Maybe you were fortunate to be raised in a loving home with none of those issues and that happy face was just that, “happy”. It was real. There were no fears to deal with. But as a parent you have found yourself in the throws of your children’s struggle with drug or alcohol misuse.

You are trying everything you can to hold onto that lifeline, trying to pull your loved one back.

I think of people as a beautiful heavy yet fragile ceramic vase – if every time you walked by a beautiful vase and banged it with a parcel or your keys or your purse, eventually it starts to break down.  At first it is little scratches on the surface, eventually the vase starts to crack.  And then crumble.  We are like that.  Physically, emotionally, we need someone to “help us move that vase”, if that makes sense.

If it were a beautiful vase, we would ask a friend to come and help us move the vase to a place where it wouldn’t get so damaged.

We need to reach out as hurting people as well, to those we feel safe with.  To someone we trust. As a parent who is watching your teen or adult child struggling with addiction you have tried everything you possibly could. Yet often it feels like there is nothing you can do.  You have no power or control to change their behavior or circumstances.  And so we build these walls around us, those walls being the face others see, “I am just fine”, because we believe those walls can keep us safe where in reality those walls keep us trapped.

I don’t know if that makes sense to you but I think it probably does.  I hope it does.

We have to know who it is safe to “let down those walls” with.   One of the most important steps to take if someone you love is struggling with addiction is to find yourself a support system. A safe place to go where others understand your journey because they too have a loved one struggling. A place that validates your feelings.

Remember, what you are going through is not your fault. Often as Moms we feel “Mom guilt”. If you are a mother you know exactly what I mean. If our children are hurting or something has gone terribly wrong, like the rise of addiction, we blame ourselves. What did I do wrong? We have to remember we did not cause the addiction. We are not to blame. Addiction is a disease and unfortunately our loved ones took that initial step to try a substance never believing they would be held hostage to it. And that ultimately, that decision would hold you hostage. Your loved one hostage to the substance. You hostage to their behavior.  And sadly, our loved ones behaviors or decisions are not changed by our time frame!!

Your “vase” is full and it is heavy – but know you are not alone. Join a support network such as Parent’s Forever or find a NarAnon Support Group in your community. Or reach out to a friend who understands your journey because they to have walked it with a loved one.   Or feel free to get in touch with me anytime.  Even if it is just to vent about your day.  We all need someone to feel “safe” with.

Just remember you are not alone – even if you feel like you are, especially when you have no family around to help and support you.  When that load feel too heavy, that is when you reach out to those who truly care.  Put me on that list!!

Take care and be kind to yourself,

June

For all of us who have loved ones struggling with drug addiction or chronic alcoholism, as well as those of you who may work in the field of addiction, we are acutely aware that the treatment of those we love and care deeply for is not always the level of compassionate care we would hope our loved ones would receive.

Too often society looks at the behaviors related to one’s addiction instead of looking at the person suffering and struggling with that addiction.

My son recently recorded a presentation I gave to a group of first responders and ER nurses and I want to share that video with you.  (He probably should have edited out the part where I needed to find my glasses!! )   What can I say, it is organic, it is real!!

I believe many of you will relate to what I am saying in this video.  If you think it may help others better understand I hope you will consider sharing it with friends and family.  It is only when we let people “see” the person struggling, consider why, use compassion and kindness instead or vitriol, hear stories, can we hope to ease the stigma around addiction.  Erase the shame so often felt by those struggling.  Together we can – we are stronger together,

We are making progress but we have a very long way yet to go.  We cannot slow down.

You can watch this presentation on YouTube:

I hope each of you are taking the time to look after yourselves.  I know when those we love are suffering it is easy to get lost, putting yourself last.  Remember taking care of you is not a luxury, it is a necessity.

I hope this video will re-enforce what you already know.  That it will validate what you know to be true.

Take care and please keep in touch.  I truly care.

Much love,

June

Through all the years of living, volunteering and working in the world of addiction, I have come to realize, there are only two reasons people try drugs.

• Curiosity
• Pain

Curiosity – that is easy to understand. We are naturally curious beings. We think we are invincible. Who ever thought curiosity could have such devastating consequences?

Physical pain. We all can identify with that. Sports injuries, motor vehicle accidents, surgeries, falls, wisdom teeth being removed. A doctor prescribes medication for pain. Sadly, for many, that initial treatment for pain, going unchecked, leads to a debilitating addiction to narcotics.

Emotional pain. Emotional pain is much more complex. Perhaps you are living in a home with domestic violence.   Husband/wife/parent comes home after work and starts drinking. The more he (she) drinks, the meaner he gets. Mom gets hit. The children stay in their bedroom scared. Feeling helpless.

Perhaps that emotional pain is the result of being sexually abused as a child. Or a sexual assault. Bullying. Being yelled at. Being made to feel you are not good enough or a disappointment. Loneliness. Isolation. Abandonment.

The reasons for emotional pain are vast. And emotional pain is generally created by someone you should have been able to feel safe with.

Young males, middle-aged men make up a hugely disproportionate percentage of the population struggling with addiction, untreated mental illness, depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, death due to overdose and suicide.

The disparity in numbers is staggering. Men are not reaching out for the help they so desperately need and deserve. For too long we have heard the comments, “Be a big boy”. “Big boys don’t cry”. “Act like a man”. Far to many sons have been made to feel they are a disappointment to their fathers.

And what has been the result? They don’t talk. They bottle up the hurts, the fears, the abuses, the terror, the bullying, the sadness. But those feelings of despair don’t just disappear. They fill that child or young person with feelings of self-loathing, shame, guilt.

Men don’t share their feelings in the same way women do. As a man, when was the last time you told a friend or co-worker, you felt sad? You were depressed? You were struggling? Probably never.

So what happens all too frequently? Men self-medicate with alcohol or drugs and for a short period of time they feel better. The problems don’t go away though, they are just masked for a brief while. So men drink a little more, or use a little more and before long, they have completely lost control.

And that is a tragedy. We need to create an environment where men can feel safe being vulnerable. It is only when men begin to reach out and say, “I need help” can we hope to reduce the pain and trauma caused in childhood or in the teen/young adult years.

If we are to save the lives of those struggling, we have to ensure they feel heard. That their fears and trauma are validated. Where they are made to feel safe and cared about in a compassionate setting.

We are loosing far to many loved ones because of feelings of shame and the stigmas we place on abuses. We have to pull back the shades and treat the causes. We will continue to lose sons, brothers, fathers, friends to drug and alcohol abuse, to overdose and to suicide.

Show respect, kindness and compassion to everyone you meet. You walk in no one elses shoes. You do not know their story.

Just know, that behind every single person struggling with addiction, overdose, suicidal thoughts, there is a reason. And that reason is untreated pain. Pain that has never been exposed. As a society we must care enough to reach out and take that hand. See the person, not just the addiction. Listen to their story. They have one.

Be that person to someone, you wish someone had been for you.

Remember to take care of yourselves.

The past is the past – time to let it go!!

Far to often we stay stuck in the past.  What we did.   What we regret.  What we wish we had done differently.  We constantly beat ourselves up with “what if I had only….”.

That is a sentiment what keeps us stuck.  It keeps us regretting.  It keeps us in pain.  It keeps us in “blame” mode.

I know as parents our actions are with the very best of intentions.  We make decisions based on the information we have at that time.  We always have our loved ones best interests at heart.

And every decision you make as a parent is based on the deep unconditional love you have.  Whether that decision is to help, assist, enable, show frustration or anger.  Whether you say, “yes you can come back home”, or whether you say, “you have to leave” or “you can’t stay here because of your actions but when you are ready for help, I will always be here”.

Every decision you made, you made with the very best of intentions in mind.  Whether it was to help your adult child who is addicted with a place to stay or help protect your other children from the kayos of their siblings addiction and have to say,  “you can’t be here right now”.

Your decisions have always been based on the love you have and the information you had at that particular time.  Your decisions were also based on what was known about addiction at that particular time.

If your loved one was struggling when tough love was suggested and that is what you tried, you were trying your best.

If your loved one was struggling when drug use was considered a moral choice and you treated it as such, don’t blame yourself.  You were trying your best.

If your loved one was struggling with the concept of ‘they have to hit rock bottom’ and you thought that was the right thing to do, don’t blame yourself.  You were only trying whatever you thought could help get your loved one out of the bowels of addiction.

Today we have scientific and medical proof that addiction is a disease.  It is often a disease that runs in families – so there is a genetic component.  We also know that addiction can raise its ugly head when there is no family history.  No one can look at someone and say, “this person will become addicted”.   One day, and hopefully not far off, science and medicine will allow that awareness long before it can become an issue and hopefully be halted.  But that time is not yet here.  Soon hopefully.  But not today.

We know that the brains of those addicted are altered.  The damage is there. The part of the brain – the frontal lobe, responsible for decision making, choices, is the part of the brain deeply affected and permanently altered.  It has been compromised.

In my book Addiction: A Mother’s Story I quote Glenn A Hascall who brilliantly said, “The me in the mirror is not what I once was.  The me in the mirror is not the final word on who I will become.  The me in the mirror is simply a reflection of today”.

Whether you are the parent of a teen or adult child struggling with addiction.  Whether you are the person who is struggling with an addiction.  Whether you are a person who is in recovery.  Whether you are a sibling.  Whoever you are, however you reacted, whatever you did, this is a message for you.

Please go and get a mirror.  A handheld mirror if you have one and find a quiet place to sit.  Away from noise, bright lights, anything that might affect your peace and quiet time.  This will only take a few minutes.  Put everything else aside.  Just take a few minutes to spend with yourself.  And this is what I want you to do ……..

Sit quietly.  Hold up your mirror. You are not going to be checking your makeup or your hair.  You are not going to be checking for blemishes.  What I want you to do is look at your eyes.  Just your eyes.

Now say to yourself – whatever I have done in the past, whether is was with the best of intentions or not; whether it hurt or helped; whether decisions I made caused suffering unintentionally. All that is in the past.  I cannot change my decisions of the past.  They are past.  I have to live with those decisions and so do those who were affected.  But I will stop blaming myself, because that “me in the mirror is not who I once was”.  Everything I did was with the best of intentions.  If it was you  trying to help the child you loved so deeply or if you are  that person who struggled with that addiction.  Or if you continue to struggle.

Just remember, everything up to this very moment is in the past.  You can’t change a single thing.  It happened.  You felt the pain.  You suffered.  Perhaps you caused the pain.  None of that really matters any more.  Its done.  That  person is gone.  Stop obsessing because that will only lead to continued suffering, pain, sadness, depression.

Keep looking in the mirror.  But don’t think about tomorrow.  Tomorrow hasn’t come yet.  You will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.  Don’t ruin today, worrying about tomorrow.  Tomorrow will come tomorrow and whatever happens you will deal with it then.  Remember, today is not “the final word on who you will become”.  If you get too far ahead of yourself,  you only create anxiety.

Stay in the moment.  Stay in this moment.  Because this moment is who you are today.  Right now.  The “me in the mirror is a reflection of who I am today”.  And you can decide who that person will be.  And you can decide how you will act or react to anything today that comes up based on what you now know.

Whoever you decide “the me in the mirror” is today, let it be that person with information you maybe didn’t have before.  Let it be the person you are going to be kind to.  We have to be kind to ourselves.  When addiction has taken over the life of someone we love, we often blame ourselves. “Why didn’t I see this coming”? “What did I do wrong”?  Don’t go there.

And if you are the person who has struggled with addiction, be kind to yourself.  You have beat yourself up long enough.  The past is the past.  You aren’t there anymore.  The you “in the mirror” is who you are today.  And it is not “the final word on who you will become”.  You deserve help.  You deserve understanding.  You deserve treatment.  Reach out and get the help you need for this horrific disease that is holding you hostage so you are able to live the best life you can.

Remember – we all deserve peace in our lives.  But when we have someone we love addicted, peace is a distant memory and it is not something we can see ahead when right now everything is dark.

So look in that mirror and say to yourself, “The me in the mirror is not what I once was.  The me in the mirror is not the final word on who I will become.  The me in the mirror is simply a reflection of today”.

I wish you peace today.  Take care of yourself and remember you are not alone.  I truly care.

Mother’s Day has always been the most important day of the year to me.  Nothing in my life is more important than being a Mom.  Nothing ever has or ever will be.  That is who I am.  I am a Mom.

One thing Mother’s Day most certainly is, is an emotional day for everyone who is a Mom, has stepped up to be the Mom, is a Grandmother or aunt who stepped up to fill the Mom roll,  is a son or daughter who grieves for the Mom who has passed away or the son or daughter whose Mom simply walked away one day and never returned,  who is struggling with a severe addiction or mental illness and is just not able to be a presence in your life. 

You may be the Mom whose child for reasons you may never understand, choose to walk away.  Is not in your life. 

You may be the Mom whose son or daughter is struggling with the horrific disease of addiction and you are praying you will hear from him or her today.  At least you will know, this person you love so completely is still alive and there is still hope that change will happen.

You may be that Mom who is sitting by your child’s bedside in the ER because of an overdose last night, or visiting at a correctional institution because that is where your teen or adult child currently is.

You may be that Mom whose adult children are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

You may be that Mom who has tragically lost the child they so deeply love to drug or alcohol abuse.  Or to suicide because they could see no other way out.

Mother’s Day can bring the joy it was meant to bring – celebrating your Mom and being celebrated as someone’s Mom.

Sadly Mother’s Day is not a happy day for far to many people.

Mother’s Day can bring up memories you sometimes wish you could forget.  But memories don’t work that way.  That is why we call them memories.  The person grappling with the feelings of having been abandoned. “If she loved me why didn’t she just quit using heroin”?  “She cared more about the next fix than she cared about me”.

Sometimes we get another chance to make things right.  Sometimes we don’t.  Sometimes tomorrow is a good day and for far to many tomorrow just doesn’t come. And when you have a loved one who is in the depth of their addiction, that is always your greatest fear.

But one thing I know for sure, in spite of all the fears, all the kayos, all the drama, all the pain and all the heartbreak, the broken promises, the years and years of crying ourselves to sleep at night, one thing is certain: of all the hats we wear, the most important one of all is the Mom hat.

Nothing and no one will ever be able to remove that hat.  That is who I am.  That is who you are.  We are Moms.  Those old wedding vows, “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to death do us part”,  I think that should be the “Mom vow”.

As painful as a divorce can be, we can and do walk away.  I have.  But I would never, will never, ever walk away from my children.  Our children may for whatever reason make that choice, but I know that as Moms, nothing is more important than our children and their well-being.

To all the amazing women out there, the Moms, the Moms by choice, all those women who reach out and touch the lives of others, to my eldest daughter Kare,  who I swear was my Mom in another life because she has always looked out for me and had my back, even if she didn’t always agree with me, she has always been “My Person”.  I could not “do life” without her. To my daughters JJ and Bean who are Moms themselves, to my Mom who passed on to her next chapter on Boxing Day 1996 after struggling with ALS for two years.   I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day.

To all the Moms whose children continue the struggle with the disease of addiction and to those Moms who have so tragically lost their children to his horrific disease, I hope you are somehow able to find a peaceful place to go if even for awhile.

Last evening my youngest son Michael took me out for dinner.  He jokingly called me his “MAD” Mom And Dad.  Because for many of us Moms we have been in this struggle alone.  To all those Moms who do the impossible every single day I celebrate you. And to those men who have become the “MAD” to their children – “Happy MAD Day” to you as well. Sadly you are too frequently the exception not the norm.  Thank you.

To those of you who may question their  absentee mother’s reasons – just know it was never about you not being “good enough”.  You were perfect.  It was your Mom who was feeling broken and just unable to be there.  Know that.  Say it and remind yourself of that daily. You were perfect.

As women, as Mothers, together we are the change makers.  We must never stop standing up and speaking out to change laws and end the stigma around drug addiction, alcohol addiction and mental illness.

To you all may your Mother’s Day be whatever you need it to be.  Always remember, you are not alone. We Moms are in this together.