Mother’s Day has always been the most important day of the year to me.

No, it is not Christmas. It is not Easter. Or my birthday. Or an anniversary of something special. It is not any one of several really special days throughout the year.

The most important day for me is, has always been and will be for all of my life, Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day while being the most important day is very often a day Mom’s suffer in silence.

We all wear many “hats” throughout our lives, daughters, sisters, friends, co-workers, coaches, teammates, helpers and carers but absolutely none is as important as the role we play as a Mother.

To all the Moms who wish they could have just one more hug. Who very often find themselves hugging that photograph.

Or to the Moms who have not given up. Have not lost hope.

To the Mothers who are helping in their adult child’s recovery. Is being that support when everyone else has walked away.

To the Moms who are themselves in recovery. Trying desperately to regain their own power. And to those women who have stepped up to mother a child in need of that support.

To all of us who have lost our Mothers. Whether that be too aging, to illness or to the disease of addiction.

To all Mothers who are holding on tightly to the memories of the past. Those memories mean absolutely everything. They are that connection that cannot be broken. Those memories are part of your beating heart.

Mother’s Day can bring up such an array of emotions. And each of those emotions are important to acknowledge. We should never deny our feelings. To do so is to deny our truth. And that helps no one.

You may be struggling deeply because the one you loved so deeply lost the battle with addiction and is no longer here. You may feel disappointment or anger or fear. You may feel let down by those around you, you thought would be there to support you.

You may feel hopeful. You may be seeing an effort and commitment not previously seen.

Your feelings are real and they matter. Don’t feel you ever have to deny what you are feeling. Always be real with yourself and make no apologies for how you are feeling.

So often when we tragically learn of another loved one lost to the disease of addiction, we hear “they were a ray of sunshine” or “they lit up every room they walked into”. And that is so important that those are the memories we have tucked deep within our hearts. Because that is truly who they were without their minds altered. Those are the memories you should keep. That is who they truly were deep inside.

But – our reality is that no one struggling with the disease of addiction is “a ray of sunshine” or that they “lit up every room they walked into”. The truth is that our loved ones addiction has caused immense pain, suffering and heartbreak. Each and every person touched is affected differently. And each person is feeling pain.

The truth is very often our loved one lied, stole, manipulated, instilled fear and caused absolute kayos and trauma. Very often families become very divided when one we love is struggling with addiction. One side wants to give all. One side wants to walk away. And the ones in the middle struggle not knowing what to do to help. And very often Mothers carry the load alone.

Many people struggling with the disease of addiction are also struggling with other mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, past trauma never addressed, bipolar, any number of conditions that affect the brain and therefore affect behaviours. They are self-medicating trying to quiet their thoughts.

Don’t ever feel that whatever you are dealing with, whatever you are feeling at that time is wrong. Feel how you are feeling. Be real in that moment. Addiction affects every single one of us differently. Every Mom is dealing with the very unique situation that is their loved ones. No two people struggling are the same.

We love our child. We hate the disease of addiction.

We love our child. We do not like their behaviour.

We love our child. That does not change.

We can love them and not like them at the same time. That love is deep. It is profound. It is real and never quits. But we can honestly say that sometimes we do not particularly like them. We do not like that they lie. We do not like that we cannot trust them to be in the house alone. We do not like that we cannot leave our purse visible. That is the reality and no one has to feel the need to quantify those feelings.

I hope that each of you is able to find peace in today. Peace in knowing you did the very best you could with what you knew at any given time. We Moms put a heavy load on ourselves – we expect ourselves to have all the answers. And that is an impossible load to carry.

Ask yourself – did I do my best with what I was capable of doing regardless of whatever the outcome was? If your answer if yes, then rest gently – you did the best you could. No one can do better than that.

Wishing all of you a peaceful Mother’s Day of reflection, of good memories from the past, and hope for all the tomorrows. Nothing is more important than the role of a Mother. Along with that role comes a huge responsibility. Congratulations for doing the best you are able to do. And know you are not alone.

Please take care of yourselves – Sending a Mother’s Day hug to each of you.

Much love from one Mom to Another Mom.

I want to apologize for this past year not keeping in touch with posts. I know together we are all stronger.

I also know that no one is more understanding that sometimes we “fall off the grid for awhile” than another Mom who has an adult child struggling with the disease of addiction.

We try to fit everything that is important in but sometimes it seems we just do not have that extra moment. Not an excuse by any means but a reality. And it became my reality like it may have been the reality for many of you as well. And we do whatever we can to help and support those we love but we have no power to change their choices.

When we all felt the affects of the pandemic and support meeting had to go online for many – there was an isolation that so many people felt. For many of you, those in person support meetings were a lifeline. That personal connection. That hug at the end of a meeting was put on hold and for many the feeling of isolation lead to loneliness.

We as Moms or aunties, sisters, partners were affected and many affected were those struggling with the disease of addiction.

Many of our loved ones struggled with relapses. Many struggled with the lack of available services and resources. And we started to see numbers of overdoses and deaths in numbers not previously seen. People were using alone. We thought it couldn’t get worse than when fentanyl entered the supply chain in 2016 and drug poisoning deaths were happening at epidemic levels. But it did get worse. Much worse.

When the borders shut down the supply of drugs changed. The supply was literally toxic. It was poison. No one knew what they were getting and that hasn’t changed to this day. Benzodiazepines (benzos) were being added to opioids and Naloxone (Narcan) has no affect against benzos. Naloxone reverses the affects of the opioid if given quickly enough but has no impact on the benzos.

At one time we could administer one or two doses to reverse an overdose. That is rarely the case anymore. Often it is three, four or five along with CPR. I have reversed 72 overdoses to date and I am just one person. There are thousands of first responders doing that. We are in a health crisis.

My son like so many struggling with opioid addiction have gone through detox for opioids many times in the past. They know what to expect. They know what the ten days of opioid withdrawal would feel like. It was going to be horrible but they knew what to expect.

Withdrawal from opioids laced with benzodiazepines is totally different. It is dangerous. And monitoring has to be exceptional. And I believe that everyone buying opioids today is buying them laced with benzos. It is in everything being sold. And it is extremely difficult to detox.

I work in the shelter system. I am with other Mother’s sons and daughters every shift. As Mom’s you know your adult child’s behaviour has changed. It is much more unpredictable. Things can go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. That is the affect of the poisoned drug supply and brain function.

I know when a night is going to be difficult. When I see the change in someone’s typical behaviour. You know something different is in a batch being sold on the street. And the tragedy is that people struggling with mental illness along with their addiction are suffering all the more. Their behaviours can be more erratic. They can be dangerous. One night a co-worker and I got bear maced by someone who on any other night would not have done that to us.

It was painful. It was very difficult to take a breathe in without choking and throwing up. But it wasn’t personal. And I didn’t take it as a personal attack. He wasn’t himself. What he had taken affected his mental illness and he became aggressive. Behaviour becomes unpredictable. You may be seeing that with your own loved one.

I know we are hearing more and more situations of violent outbursts from people struggling with mental illness along with their addiction. And I truly believe it is the result of the poisoned drug supply.

I hand out harm reduction supplies that are clean and sterile. Syringes, pipes, tubes, foil to those who ask. Those sterile items reduce the harm caused from using contaminated supplies that have been shared. But the problem is the poisoned drug supply.

The problem is that when our loved ones ask for help they go on a waitlist for three or four weeks. What other potentially fatal disease is there where we would tell a person ‘we’ll put you on a waitlist and hopefully we can help you in 3 or 4 weeks’.

That is not okay. That should never happen. But it happens every single day. One day delay can be one day too late. Tragically far too many of you Mom’s know that reality. We have to do better. We must keep fighting for change. You are the change makers. If change is going to happen it is because you Moms, aunts, partners are doing everything you can to keep the pressure on.

We need to have immediate access to help when someone struggling with addiction or addiction and mental health issues asks. We need hundreds of detox beds available now. Today. We need hundreds if not thousands of treatment spaces available immediately. But we know that isn’t going to happen. And that is a tragedy.

Sending sick people to jail only causes more pain and suffering for them. More trauma. More isolation. We have to treat the CAUSE of the behaviour. Not wait and then PUNISH the behaviour. They deserve to be treated for the cause of the pain. And it needs to be immediate.

They deserve that help and so do those of us who love them.

I am going to send off two posts today. This one and a copy of the one I posted last Mother’s Day. After re-reading it I feel the exact same sentiments about the wonder of Moms. The wonders of all the women who have stepped up when they were needed. I hope you will all read that post again. There is no greater force of nature than a Mom fighting to save the child she loves with every fibre of her being. Or the Mom who tragically has lost her beloved son or daughter and is one of the change makers.

Take care of yourselves. You are in my thoughts. In my heart.

Much love to you all,

June

Mother’s Day has always been the most important day of the year to me.

No, it is not Christmas. It is not Easter. Or my birthday. Or an anniversary of something special. It is not any one of several really special days throughout the year.

The most important day for me is, has always been and will be for all of my life, Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day while being the most important day is very often a day Mom’s suffer in silence.

We all wear many “hats” throughout our lives, daughters, sisters, friends, co-workers, coaches, teammates, helpers and carers but absolutely none is as important as the role we play as a Mother.

To all the Moms who wish they could have just one more hug. Who very often find themselves hugging that photograph.

Or to the Moms who have not given up. Have not lost hope.

To the Mothers who are helping in their adult child’s recovery. Is being that support when everyone else has walked away.

To the Moms who are themselves in recovery. Trying desperately to regain their own power. And to those women who have stepped up to mother a child in need of that support.

To all of us who have lost our Mothers. Whether that be too aging, to illness or to the disease of addiction.

To all Mothers who are holding on tightly to the memories of the past. Those memories mean absolutely everything. They are that connection that cannot be broken. Those memories are part of your beating heart.

Mother’s Day can bring up such an array of emotions. And each of those emotions are important to acknowledge. We should never deny our feelings. To do so is to deny our truth. And that helps no one.

You may be struggling deeply because the one you loved so deeply lost the battle with addiction and is no longer here. You may feel disappointment or anger or fear. You may feel let down by those around you, you thought would be there to support you.

You may feel hopeful. You may be seeing an effort and commitment not previously seen.

Your feelings are real and they matter. Don’t feel you ever have to deny what you are feeling. Always be real with yourself and make no apologies for how you are feeling.

So often when we tragically learn of another loved one lost to the disease of addiction, we hear “they were a ray of sunshine” or “they lit up every room they walked into”. And that is so important that those are the memories we have tucked deep within our hearts. Because that is truly who they were without their minds altered. Those are the memories you should keep. That is who they truly were deep inside.

But – our reality is that no one struggling with the disease of addiction is “a ray of sunshine” or that they “lit up every room they walked into”. The truth is that our loved ones addiction has caused immense pain, suffering and heartbreak. Each and every person touched is affected differently. And each person is feeling pain.

The truth is very often our loved one lied, stole, manipulated, instilled fear and caused absolute kayos and trauma. Very often families become very divided when one we love is struggling with addiction. One side wants to give all. One side wants to walk away. And the ones in the middle struggle not knowing what to do to help. And very often Mothers carry the load alone.

Many people struggling with the disease of addiction are also struggling with other mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, past trauma never addressed, bipolar, any number of conditions that affect the brain and therefore affect behaviours. They are self-medicating trying to quiet their thoughts.

Don’t ever feel that whatever you are dealing with, whatever you are feeling at that time is wrong. Feel how you are feeling. Be real in that moment. Addiction affects every single one of us differently. Every Mom is dealing with the very unique situation that is their loved ones. No two people struggling are the same.

We love our child. We hate the disease of addiction.

We love our child. We do not like their behaviour.

We love our child. That does not change.

We can love them and not like them at the same time. That love is deep. It is profound. It is real and never quits. But we can honestly say that sometimes we do not particularly like them. We do not like that they lie. We do not like that we cannot trust them to be in the house alone. We do not like that we cannot leave our purse visible. That is the reality and no one has to feel the need to quantify those feelings.

I hope that each of you is able to find peace in today. Peace in knowing you did the very best you could with what you knew at any given time. We Moms put a heavy load on ourselves – we expect ourselves to have all the answers. And that is an impossible load to carry.

Ask yourself – did I do my best with what I was capable of doing regardless of whatever the outcome was? If your answer if yes, then rest gently – you did the best you could. No one can do better than that.

Wishing all of you a peaceful Mother’s Day of reflection, of good memories from the past, and hope for all the tomorrows. Nothing is more important than the role of a Mother. Along with that role comes a huge responsibility. Congratulations for doing the best you are able to do. And know you are not alone.

For 23 years my son Nathan struggled with a devastating heroin, cocaine, crack cocaine and meth addiction. He suffered many abuses and incredible trauma throughout his years of addiction. His journey was a devastating one for him. As a family who loved him deeply his journey of pain was also our journey.

Supporting, encouraging and loving my son unconditionally throughout his devastating addiction, with all the ups and downs, the better days and the most difficult of days, I have also been privileged to have been able to support others struggling with this devastating disease. Volunteering thousands of hours with organizations supporting those struggling with drug addiction, chronic alcoholism, brain related illness and homelessness and for several years I was also employed at night in a shelter housing those needing a warm place to sleep.

There are only two reasons someone mis-uses drugs or alcohol. The first is curiosity. The second is pain.

We all understand curiosity. That is not complicated. Unfortunately that curiosity, can for some, lead to a lifetime of addiction.

Early on I came to realize, addiction whether it be to drugs or alcohol, is more often about pain.

We can all relate to physical pain. A broken bone, perhaps injuries from a motor vehicle accident or a sports injury or an injury from a slip and fall.

We recognize physical pain and we sympathize with it. We hold open the door for someone on crutches. Send flowers to someone recuperating in hospital.

But the pain that is most devastating, the pain we rarely divulge, is our emotional pain.

Everyone of us has dealt with some form of emotional pain. Some occasionally. Some continuously.

Emotional pain may be the result of living in a home with domestic violence.

Maybe you were sexually abused as a child or sexually assaulted in your teen or adult years.

Perhaps you have feelings of neglect or abandonment.

Perhaps you were a victim of unrelenting bullying or that you experienced racism.

Perhaps you are part of the LGBTQ2+ community and had no family support. Or, you lived in a home with constant criticism.

There are many reasons for emotional pain and the most tragic thing about it is, we so often keep it a secret because of fear of being judged. Fear of rejection. Stigma. Feelings of shame or blame.

So we keep the cause of our intense emotional pain a secret and we put up walls we think will protect us but all they really do is keep us trapped.

The thing about emotional pain is that it is almost always caused by someone else. Someone you should have been able to trust, hurt you. Someone who should have supported you, didn’t. Someone who should have taken care of you, failed to keep you safe.

And we try and bury that pain.
Let’s talk about feelings for a moment.

As women we are more comfortable talking about our feelings. That is not to say we always do. But we will more often talk to a girlfriend, a trusted co-worker, our mother or sister, then say, men will.

Guys will talk about the hockey score, the football game, the fish caught that was really ‘this big’ but will say was ‘that big’. They’ll share a beer and have a barbecue and laugh with buddies.

But how many of you men talk to your buddies about how you are emotionally feeling?

How many of you ever say to your buddies, “Lately I’ve feeling so overwhelmed and sad, I just can’t shake off this dark feeling”. Or “I seem to have this fear of failure that has become all consuming”?

Men in particular are suffering emotional pain in silence out of fear of being judged because of the stigma around male masculinity.

And how do we know this?

Because numbers don’t lie.

75 percent of suicides deaths are men.

82 percent of overdose deaths are men.

That tells us far too many of our sons, brothers, fathers, partners, husbands are suffering in silence. And far too many of those loved ones are dying.

But we all keep secrets. And those secrets keep us hurting, feeling damaged, feeling broken.

We have to stop keeping secrets. Those secrets are keeping us trapped.

I kept a secret for a very long time.

We were experiencing a period of some extremely hot daytime temperatures and the nighttime temperatures only dropped slightly. It was incredibly uncomfortable.

That particular night I suggested my children all take cool baths and then sleep in their bathing suits. I placed the fans we had in each of their bedrooms. Once they had settled into bed, I too had a cool bath and put on my bathing suit. I then opened the living room window hoping for a bit of breeze and stretched out on couch with a book.

At 2:00 a.m. I awoke to a man standing over me. He immediately covered my mouth with his hand and told me if I did everything he said and did not make a sound, I might survive the night.

He had climbed through that open living room window.

Terrified I quietly pleaded with him to leave. I begged. I promised I would never say anything. But he had other plans.

I could not yell out. I had to stay absolutely quiet because I knew if I made any noise, my children would wake up and I had no idea what else he was capable of.

I had to keep my children sleeping in order to keep them safe. I did not make a sound.

Over the course of four hours, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted and beaten. I knew there were times I lost consciousness because I remembered his hands around my throat choking me and the next thing I remembered was him standing several feet away just staring at me. So there was clearly a time lapse.

After four hours he left the same way he came in. He climbed back out the living room window.

Terrified and shaking I locked the window and immediately went into the bathroom running the water as hot as I could possibly tolerate and I started scrubbing myself from head to toe.

In spite of all the scrubbing, I could not get the smell of him off me.
Logically I had to be clean – my skin was almost raw and yet his smell lingered.

I called in sick to work that morning but as a single Mom I needed to get back to work the following day.

In spite of the continued heat wave, I wore a turtle neck sweater to cover the hand marks and bruises on my neck and arms. You see, he was pretty calculating – he never hurt my face. There were no visible bruises, but my neck, arms, chest, stomach, thighs, and buttocks were bruised.

I did nothing wrong that night. I was a Mom at home with my sleeping children. I fell asleep with a window open and someone else’s actions changed my life. I went back to work and pretended as if nothing had happened.

And I kept the secret. Why?

Because of fear. The feeling of shame. Embarrassment. Being judged. I blamed myself because I had left a window opened endangering my sleeping children.

And I built up walls to stay safe.

But for years after that incident, anytime someone came up behind me, a friend, even my own children, and touched my shoulders, I felt a rush of panic. No one knew it. I covered it well.

The thing about trauma, about emotional pain is it doesn’t just go away because we want it too.

Far too often as parents we blame ourselves. What did we do? What didn’t we do? What could we have done differently. The thing is, you didn’t know.

So often those we love may be struggling with emotional pain we had no idea about. They didn’t share the pain they were feeling. They tried to cover it up. They never let us in. Their decision kept us in the dark. We couldn’t help them through a situation if we had no idea they were going through it.

We cannot un-see what we have seen. We cannot un-hear what we have heard. We can’t un- feel how someone has made us feel.

And that is emotional pain.

The problem with trauma is if we don’t acknowledged it, confront it, talk about it, seek help, it damages our essence. It hurts our souls. It leaves us feeling that somehow we must have done something wrong and it causes un-relenting pain. Emotional pain caused by someone else’s actions or in-actions.

So many people struggling with emotional pain turn to drinking or drugs, to lessen the pain they are carrying if even just for awhile. And eventually that escape they are seeking takes over their lives.

We are loosing far to many people in the prime of their lives to drug abuse, chronic alcohol abuse and suicide – and the under-lying reason very often is emotional pain caused from trauma, never addressed.

We have to encourage those we love to talk. And that includes ourselves as well. The amount of pain and trauma parents who have a teen or adult child addicted to drugs or alcohol go through is monumental – it’s a steep mountain with no apparent end and far too often we climb that mountain alone.

We need the support of those who understand our journey. Organizations Like Moms Stop The Harm. Naranon meetings. Parents Forever meetings. We need to be comfortable and feel safe reaching out.

Likewise, with those we love struggling with addiction, we have to be willing to listen to encourage dialogue during those periods when they are willing to talk, with no judgement. We don’t know what walls they have put up. What secrets they are carrying.

We all process life differently. We can’t judge another based on our life experiences and no one has the right to judge us – we all perceive life through our own eyes. Each one of us is moulded by our own journey. We may not know what emotional pain anyone else is carrying. And so we have to treat those struggling with the disease of addiction with compassionate. And we deserve every bit of compassionate care as well.

The walls we put up to keep us safe in fact succeed only succeed in keeping us trapped. Let’s all bring down our walls.

No one knows emotional pain more than a parent with a loved one struggling. Be kind to yourselves and to each other. And remember to reach out for support from those who understand your journey.

Take care of yourself and reach out to those who understand. You are not alone. I care.

To the Mothers who have lost a child. To the Mothers who are rebuilding relationships with their children. To the Mothers who don’t know where their children are. To the Mothers who never sleep more than an hour at a time. To the Mothers who are themselves away in treatment. To the Mothers who long for one more hug. To the Mothers who can’t stop asking, “what more could I have done”? To the Mothers doing everything possible to change the stigma around addiction. To those Mothers – you – who never stop loving. And to Mothers who are mourning their own Mothers.

Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for many Mothers – those who have lost their child or grandchild to overdose. Those who have their teen or adult child living in the depths of their addiction.  That every day pain that never goes away.

The love of a Mother knows no bounds. When everyone has given up, Moms are often in that battle alone.

One thing Mother’s Day most certainly is, is an emotional day for everyone who is a Mom, has stepped up to be the Mom, is a Grandmother or aunt who stepped up to fill the Mom roll,  is a son or daughter who grieves for the Mom who has passed away or the son or daughter whose Mom simply walked away one day and never returned.

True love is never negotiable – it is there – it isn’t something you can turn on or off.  A Mother’s love is something we can’t explain.  That love, that bond, that powerful force.  I can’t imagine anything more powerful.

To all of you Moms or Moms by choice, you are an inspiration.  You are a strong and powerful force.  You are loved filled.  There is no one, nothing more powerful than you.  You are the definition of strength and love.

Yes you have those times of utter frustration.  Those times when you have to step away for awhile. Those times when we feel we just have to throw our hands in the air and say “I’m done”.  Those times when we find ourselves rolled up in a ball, in tears.

But that bond.  That unbreakable tie that binds us to those we love – oh it stretches sometimes, but it never breaks.

I hope that you have been able to have a peaceful day today.  That you heard from those you love.  That you remembered the one you lost with gentle memories of the person they truly were inside.  They were not their addiction.  And a Mom knows that.

I hope your day was one that brought you some joy.  Some contentment.  Some peace. Memories that made you smile.

Happy Mother’s Day to Moms everywhere. 

Take care and remember to be kind to yourself.

Much love,

June

I posted these thoughts in June 2018. Lately I have noticed this particular post is being viewed fairly frequently so I thought I would print it again in the event you may find something in this post that speaks to your heart. Take care of and be kind to yourself.

The past is the past – time to let it go!!

Far to often we stay stuck in the past.  What we did.   What we regret.  What we wish we had done differently.  We constantly beat ourselves up with “what if I had only….”.

That is a sentiment what keeps us stuck.  It keeps us regretting.  It keeps us in pain.  It keeps us in “blame” mode.

I know as parents our actions are with the very best of intentions.  We make decisions based on the information we have at that time.  We always have our loved ones best interests at heart.

And every decision you make as a parent is based on the deep unconditional love you have.  Whether that decision is to help, assist, enable, show frustration or anger.  Whether you say, “yes you can come back home”, or whether you say, “you have to leave” or “you can’t stay here because of your actions but when you are ready for help, I will always be here”.

Every decision you made, you made with the very best of intentions in mind.  Whether it was to help your adult child who is addicted with a place to stay or help protect your other children from the kayos of their siblings addiction and have to say,  “you can’t be here right now”.

Your decisions have always been based on the love you have and the information you had at that particular time.  Your decisions were also based on what was known about addiction at that particular time.

If your loved one was struggling when tough love was suggested and that is what you tried, you were trying your best.

If your loved one was struggling when drug use was considered a moral choice and you treated it as such, don’t blame yourself.  You were trying your best.

If your loved one was struggling with the concept of ‘they have to hit rock bottom’ and you thought that was the right thing to do, don’t blame yourself.  You were only trying whatever you thought could help get your loved one out of the bowels of addiction.

Today we have scientific and medical proof that addiction is a disease.  It is often a disease that runs in families – so there is a genetic component.  We also know that addiction can raise its ugly head when there is no family history.  No one can look at someone and say, “this person will become addicted”.   One day, and hopefully not far off, science and medicine will allow that awareness long before it can become an issue and hopefully be halted.  But that time is not yet here.  Soon hopefully.  But not today.

We know that the brains of those addicted are altered.  The damage is there. The part of the brain – the frontal lobe, responsible for decision making, choices, is the part of the brain deeply affected and permanently altered.  It has been compromised.

In my book Addiction: A Mother’s Story I quote Glenn A Hascall who brilliantly said, “The me in the mirror is not what I once was.  The me in the mirror is not the final word on who I will become.  The me in the mirror is simply a reflection of today”.

Whether you are the parent of a teen or adult child struggling with addiction.  Whether you are the person who is struggling with an addiction.  Whether you are a person who is in recovery.  Whether you are a sibling.  Whoever you are, however you reacted, whatever you did, this is a message for you.

Please go and get a mirror.  A handheld mirror if you have one and find a quiet place to sit.  Away from noise, bright lights, anything that might affect your peace and quiet time.  This will only take a few minutes.  Put everything else aside.  Just take a few minutes to spend with yourself.  And this is what I want you to do ……..

Sit quietly.  Hold up your mirror. You are not going to be checking your makeup or your hair.  You are not going to be checking for blemishes.  What I want you to do is look at your eyes.  Just your eyes.

Now say to yourself – whatever I have done in the past, whether is was with the best of intentions or not; whether it hurt or helped; whether decisions I made caused suffering unintentionally. All that is in the past.  I cannot change my decisions of the past.  They are past.  I have to live with those decisions and so do those who were affected.  But I will stop blaming myself, because that “me in the mirror is not who I once was”.  Everything I did was with the best of intentions.  If it was you  trying to help the child you loved so deeply or if you are  that person who struggled with that addiction.  Or if you continue to struggle.

Just remember, everything up to this very moment is in the past.  You can’t change a single thing.  It happened.  You felt the pain.  You suffered.  Perhaps you caused the pain.  None of that really matters any more.  Its done.  That  person is gone.  Stop obsessing because that will only lead to continued suffering, pain, sadness, depression.

Keep looking in the mirror.  But don’t think about tomorrow.  Tomorrow hasn’t come yet.  You will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.  Don’t ruin today, worrying about tomorrow.  Tomorrow will come tomorrow and whatever happens you will deal with it then.  Remember, today is not “the final word on who you will become”.  If you get too far ahead of yourself,  you only create anxiety.

Stay in the moment.  Stay in this moment.  Because this moment is who you are today.  Right now.  The “me in the mirror is a reflection of who I am today”.  And you can decide who that person will be.  And you can decide how you will act or react to anything today that comes up based on what you now know.

Whoever you decide “the me in the mirror” is today, let it be that person with information you maybe didn’t have before.  Let it be the person you are going to be kind to.  We have to be kind to ourselves.  When addiction has taken over the life of someone we love, we often blame ourselves. “Why didn’t I see this coming”? “What did I do wrong”?  Don’t go there.

And if you are the person who has struggled with addiction, be kind to yourself.  You have beat yourself up long enough.  The past is the past.  You aren’t there anymore.  The you “in the mirror” is who you are today.  And it is not “the final word on who you will become”.  You deserve help.  You deserve understanding.  You deserve treatment.  Reach out and get the help you need for this horrific disease that is holding you hostage so you are able to live the best life you can.

Remember – we all deserve peace in our lives.  But when we have someone we love addicted, peace is a distant memory and it is not something we can see ahead when right now everything is dark.

So look in that mirror and say to yourself, “The me in the mirror is not what I once was.  The me in the mirror is not the final word on who I will become.  The me in the mirror is simply a reflection of today”.

I wish you peace today.  Take care of yourself and remember you are not alone.  I truly care.

When we thought the number of drug related deaths could not get worse, the Global pandemic hit and the number of deaths from drug poisoning escalated to unimaginable heights.

I do not say “drug overdoses” intentionally.

Those struggling with addiction are not dying from overdoses as much as they are dying from a poisoned drug supply – a toxic mixture that has affected drug supplies from coast to coast to coast.

Taking a overdose means you have taken an excessive or dangerous amount of a substance you believed you were taking. You have “over dosed” yourself by taking too much of the intended substance. Today people are dying at alarming rates because the substance they thought they were ingesting, inhaling, injecting had been tainted and become a poisoned drug supply. Tainted by the gangs, traffickers and dealers with absolutely no consideration for those we love, rather just trying to increase the toxicity bringing more people into the life of being addicted and desperate.

The Pandemic has also meant that far to many people are using in isolation. More than ever before people struggling with addiction are using alone. The isolation from the pandemic as well as the ongoing stigma around addiction and drug misuse, the lack of understanding and compassion for those struggling, often means those battling addictions are using in private and no one is there if the drug they have taken overcomes them.

The pandemic has also seen an increase in the number of people struggling with a relapse. Those who have grabbed that life-line to living free of the substances that held them hostage, experiencing a relapse because of feelings of isolation and despair. Decreases in the number of support meeting. Decreases in the amount of time they are able to spend with others for support. They need our understanding and compassion and encouragement. They need to know we are there for them. That we believe in them. That we are there to help them get back to their hard-earned lifestyle. While we may not be able to be there in person – a daily phone call can be a life-line.

Judgement and anger or frustration will do nothing to help your loved one who has relapsed. They already feel they have failed. They need encouragement not judgement.

I believe as we end this year that has impact every single person – many extremely hard, we are going to see a reset in 2021. It will continue to be dark with the pandemic still raging, but as we get through this year, I believe we will find a world more tolerant. More understanding.

With so many people, first responders, medical teams, the healthcare community, families, Mothers in particular – Mothers are the real heroes in this fight – standing up and speaking out about the disease of addiction affecting the lives of those we love and tragically taking the lives of far to many of those loved ones – we are taking the disease of addiction out of the closet and into mainsteam discussion. We must never allow this awareness to ever again be hidden.

We must continue the momentum, speaking out, writing to every level of government to affect changes. The disease of addiction must be recognized and treated with the same level of care and consideration as every other disease. Diseases affecting the brain, affecting behaviors have for far to long been treated very differently than diseases affecting the body. This must end. We can only have a healthy body if we have a healthy mind.

This fight must continue until every single person asking for help with their addiction receives that help immediately. Not put on a three week wait list. The help must be immediate because a one day delay, can be one day too late for far to many. They deserve better and so do the families that love them.

I was recently invited on a podcast called Undercover Mental Health. Steve Serbic is a Surrey Firefighter who has seen first hand the impact of the illicite drug trade and Undercover Mental Health is his podcast. Please find two links below.

The first podcast is called The Burden of Abuse in which I discuss presentations I have given and the impact of emotional pain and how our emotional pain can be so prevalent in self medicating with drugs and alcohol simply to “quiet” the pain of past experiences or trauma.

The second half of our discussion is called Addiction: A Mother’s Story. The story of my journey with my son. These two sessions go hand in hand. I would suggest listening to The Burden of Abuse first and Addiction A Mother’s Story second to get the full message and complete story I am trying to share. I am sure you will see yourself and your addicted loved one in these two podcasts. They are free podcasts – you just have to hit the links indicated.

As we say goodbye to 2020, I hope that 2021 brings you and your loved ones the peace and contentment and happiness you all so deserve. Remember – we are making progress – we cannot slow down.

Remember to take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is not a luxury. It is a necessity.

Much love to you all,

June

As a society we treat physical pain with compassion and understanding.  When we see  someone on crutches we hold open the door.  We offer assistance.  We all understand physical pain and there is no stigma toward physical injury.

With emotional pain, with illnesses affecting the brain, that same compassion is not always evident.  Instead of holding the “door open” the person struggling often feels “the door shutting.”

We have to realize it is the entire being that makes up the person.  The brain is vital to the body functioning.  A fine tuned machine works best when everything is working together.  When we take care of our brain, when we take care of our thoughts, when we take care of our mental and brain health – we function at our best. 

Addiction to drugs and alcohol, un-diagnosed and untreated depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, any number of brain related illnesses greatly affect the way we live our lives.  It is often what determines whether a life is well lived or a life is lived in despair without the health, wellness, and sense of security that person deserves.  It affects our physical health.

We have to embrace the concept and be powerful advocates in stressing that we treat illness affecting the brain with the same care, compassion, consideration, support and urgency as we do with illnesses affecting the body.

We have no idea what emotional pain or trauma another person may be carrying.  So often those smiling on the outside are crying on the inside.  We do not walk in anyone else’s shoes.  We may not know what our loved one’s journey has been.  We can’t know if feelings and experiences have been kept in secret out of fear of being judged or shamed or embarrassed.

Our best hope of leading healthy lives is taking the same care and consideration of our mental health, of our brain health, as we do with our physical health.

When we realize our loved one is struggling, the kindest thing we can do is show compassion and a willingness to listen, to encourage and to support them in getting the help they need to be able to live the life they deserve.

When we allow and encourage our loved ones to talk about their emotional pain – it doesn’t have that same hold any longer.

Sadly, all to often our offer of help is dismissed. But, don’t give up. Just let your loved one know you are there when they are ready to talk.

If emotional pain has been caused by trauma – we have to remember we can’t un-see the things we have seen.  We can’t un-hear the words that were spoken.  You can’t un-feel what you have felt.   And we as parents, as family members know our loved ones deserve every opportunity to work through those emotions with support and guidance.

The life they are meant to live is waiting for them.  But that window of opportunity is to often very small.  When someone we love who has been struggling is willing to acknowledge and accept help – that help must be immediate.  They and we don’t have the privilege of time.  Time delayed means a crucial opportunity will be missed. 

We must continue to speak up and speak out for the immediate services those struggling with addictions, with mental health concerns, which very often go hand in hand, deserve.

We would never accept being put on a waiting list if we were having a heart attack.  We would never be put on a waiting list is we just had a stroke.  And why is that?  Because waiting could cause further damage and possible death.

Those struggling with addictions, with mental health issues, perhaps with thoughts of suicide, face that exact same situation.  Waiting means further damage and possible loss of life.

We have to keep speaking out that those health issues affecting the brain should and must be treated with the same level of urgency as conditions affecting the body.

While we are going through this horrific Covid 19 health crisis and all that goes along with it –  overwhelmed healthcare system, loss of income, of jobs, we can’t allow the health crisis of  addiction, of mental health issues get pushed to the back burner by any level of government.  We are seeing more overdose deaths and death due to suicide because of despair, because of isolation and these numbers will only increase without proper supports – we can’t slow down – our fight for those we love and care about is not over. 

In the meantime, I hope you take time each day to remember the importance of taking care of yourself.  So often our own needs can be pushed to the back burner when someone we love is struggling.  Please remember, you matter, taking care of yourself is a necessity.

Take care.  Stay safe.  Be well. I truly care.

Each one of us build walls around  ourselves.  We do it to keep safe.

Those walls are very different for each person.   We build walls to protect ourselves.

Why walls?

We build a home.  It has walls.  Those walls keep out danger.  It keeps out the extreme heat in summer and the dire cold and rain in winter.  It keeps out people that have ulterior motives.  Walls keep us and our possessions safe.

Walls are vital.  But when do the walls we build go from keeping us safe,  to keeping us isolated? To trapping us? To keep us from reaching out?  From isolating us?

When those are emotional walls.  We all put them up.  They are needed  temporarily when we follow our intuition.  When we sense danger.  Or fear.  When we believe we are about to feel pain.

But when do those walls go from protecting us to trapping us?

When we suffer with emotional pain.  Emotional pain is the most destructive of all pain. 

Why?

Because we feel it deeply.  We may feel it to our very core.   But no one sees it.  It is not like a broken leg where everyone recognizes the cast and offers assistance.

We keep emotional pain inside and we build walls around us thinking it will keep us safe.  And what happens?  The pain and suffering from emotional pain, from the trauma that was the cause of that emotional pain, never gets addressed.  It is never dealt with.

So many people are hurting in such profound ways.  They are hurting often because the very people who should have kept them safe, didn’t.

People build walls to keep people out.  They also build walls to keep their pain in.

“If I don’t let you in, you can’t hurt me”.

Walls keep that emotional pain that is devastating their life, trapped inside.

“If I don’t share my story, I won’t be judged”.  “If I don’t share my pain they won’t know how ‘weak’ I am”.  “If I don’t share my pain they won’t know how ‘dirty’ I feel”.  “If I don’t share my pain they won’t know ‘what a loser’ I am”.  “If I don’t share my pain I won’t be rejected”.

Every single person battling addiction is carrying emotional pain.  It may be pain they have carried since childhood.  It may be a situation where they were made to feel less than.  When someone’s unkind words were like a knife to their heart.  If they were sexually abused.  Physically punished.  Felt abandoned or neglected.  We don’t have a need to self medicate unless we feel emotional pain.  That feeling of not being good enough. Of being a disappointment.

Perhaps your loved one had an absolutely wonderful childhood.  Was treasured, loved and kept safe.  You did everything as a parent or caregiver to protect that child. 

So you ask yourself, “why would they be suffering with emotional pain”?  You know you did absolutely everything you could to protect your child.  To love and care for them.  To give them opportunities.

Emotional pain may have been caused by an incident you never knew anything about.

Emotional pain may also be caused from the  inner dialogue your loved one had with themselves.  There was no basis for it.  You know how wonderful they are. But for whatever reason, they carry the feeling of not being good enough.  For whatever reason they may feel they have been a disappointment. They may feel they are ‘less than’ others.

You wonder why they could feel that way.  You know they are wonderful.  But what you may not know is that they are struggling with depression or anxiety.

They are struggling with feelings that you don’t see or can see no basis for, but to them it is real.  If you feel ‘less than’, no one can make you “feel better”.  Why? Because your feelings are real to you.  It is that dialogue we have with ourselves.

If your child had had a wonderful upbringing but used a substance at a party one night and that is how their journey into addiction took root, that is emotional pain they are now carrying.

No one puts a needle in their arm if life is good.  Self medicating is all about pain.  Real or imagined, it is that emotional pain that is most destructive.

80% of all overdose deaths are men.  Three out of four suicides are committed by men.

Men are suffering and we need as a society to do everything possible to open that dialogue.  To let men know they are not alone.  To encourage men to talk about their emotional pain.

For years and years men have been expected to “be a man”. “Big boys don’t cry”.  “Don’t be weak”.  It was wrong then and it is wrong now.  That mind set is what keeps the men in our lives feeling trapped.  Feeling that they cannot share their emotional pain for fear of being judged.  For fear of rejection.

And the walls go up.  They suffer in silence.  They often turn to drugs or alcohol to self medicate and far to many loved ones take their own lives.  Not because they want to die.  They just are trying to stop the unbelievable pain they are feeling.

As a society we all have to do everything we can to support brain health.  To support those who are working at changing the stigma and isolation around those diseases affecting the brain.  Affecting behaviors. To encourage our government officials, our medical personal to give the diseases and conditions affecting the brain such as alcoholism and drug addiction,  depression, anxiety, panic attacks, bipolar, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder,  PTSD the same respect and consideration as diseases affecting the physical body.

Only when we start medically treating the whole person will those suffering with addictions and brain health issues, those struggling with the stigma and feelings of shame, receive the care,  compassion and help they deserve.

We can’t just choose treating those with health conditions from the neck down.   Stigma and secrets kept out of fear of judgment must end.  Those walls must come down.  We are loosing far to many loved ones who have suffered in silence way to long.

I encourage you all to visit a site http://www.HeadsUpGuys.org   The information contained on the HeadsUpGuys site will give true understanding and help to those suffering and to those of us who love them.

I am also attaching a music clip – about walls – it is truly moving.  It is raw.  It is heartbreaking.  It is real.  It lets us ‘in’ as to how our loved one may be feeling.

Never give up on those you love.  Keep hope alive.  Hope for your loved one and hope for yourself.  In all the pain that addiction causes, please remember to take care of yourself.

“The kindest hearts often have the most scars”.  I see the pain and scars your loved one’s addiction has caused.   Remember, you are not alone – reach out.  I truly care.